It’s A(nother) New Day

I dance to this song and sing along, meaning every word. It’s in my ‘New Year’ playlist, twenty songs -some secular- that all speak to my spiritual journey. I might do a post and share maybe the top 5 one day.

Back to Becka Shae’s remake of Shape of You. When I first heard the original I didn’t think much of it but played it through a couple of times because a man I liked had referenced it and I was tryna figure out if I was missing something (I wasn’t, his appreciation of the song was decidedly not a glimpse into his feelings for me). Nonetheless it was catchy and stuck in my head until I wrote this (while thinking, of course, about said man):

A few days later a link to Becka Shae’s remake showed up on my YouTube recommendations, and although I rarely listen to covers, the word ‘Christian’ in her title caught my eye. I listened, then Googled the lyrics you know, as one does. I loved it.

Today it’s especially poignant. Tomorrow’s my birthday and as always this is a time of reflection for me. I’ve been thinking for a while but yesterday I found myself asking, what’s the point of it all? What’s the point of prayer, of all those ‘spiritual disciplines’ if at the end of the day you’re still lonely, hungry for intimacy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied, longing for something you can’t quite name?

Today I continued with the reflections, heartsick and sad over the fact of my frailty when it comes to resisting sin. I had forgotten that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. As sometimes happens, a tune started up in my head and it was If Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You Were A Christian Song.

Elohim breathe on me.

Over and over that one phrase looped until I scrolled to my music player, lay down and listened to the entire song.

Elohim breathe in me.

Here’s where I went wrong:

I haven’t read my Bible in a long time. Oh, I look up verses here and there, but actually searching God’s word prayerfully or in study? It’s been a while. Giving praise? Not unless I’m singing along to my playlist, but does that really count? Really? In my case I think not, because I’m usually doing something else too: cooking, checking Facebook; it’s been a very long time since I actually set aside time of any length to just bask in God’s presence.

If I am not walking in victory, if instead of regaining my balance after stumbling I am trying to dust myself off after a fall, perhaps that is because like Peter I looked at my circumstances and took my eyes off the Lord. There is, really, no ‘if’ about it.

Elohim breathe through me.

And here’s what I’m planning to do about it:

I run back to the arms of the Father, so gladly and unashamedly accepting of the scandalous Grace that allows me to run back. I look up Words I have received in more prayerful times, and I thank God for how He pursues me even when I am distracted, disobedient and unfaithful.

Holy, holy, holy Elohim breathe on me.

As I enter my new year, I stand on the forgiveness of the Father, I bathe in His mercy, receive His gift of Grace and look to His promises. For what can separate me from the love of God? Can loneliness, or hunger, or fear or pain? Can laziness, or depression, or hardship, or insomnia?

Romans 8:38-39

I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Happy new year to me.

His Love Is Wild For Me

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Unreserved, unrestrained, his love is wild for me. It isn’t shy, it’s unashamed – his love is proud to be seen with me. Uncontrolled, uncontained, his love is a fire burning bright for me. It’s not just a spark, it’s not just a flame, his love is a light and all the world will see.

His love’s not fractured, it’s not a troubled mind; it isn’t anxious, it’s not the restless kind; his love’s not passive, it’s never disengaged, it’s always present, it hangs on every word we say.

Love keeps its promises, it keeps its word, it honors what’s sacred ’cause its vows are good. His love’s not broken, it’s not insecure, his love’s not selfish, his love is pure. -adapted from Pieces, Amanda Cook

Only God can love like this. And only a man living for God can love a woman who is loved like this.

-Beauty’s Daughter

Write Down The Vision and Make It Plain

Towards the end of last year I spent a lot of time in prayer. I was alone on the night of the 31st, New Year’s Eve, and I spent the night praying (and sleeping, duh) for God’s intervention in different areas of my life. 2017 was shaping up to be a great year.

Halfway through the year I’ve learnt that self-preservation is my super power, and that prioritising self-care is the key to my emotional and mental well-being.

This past week has been particularly rough and I was sliding in the deep dark once more when I recalled a word that God gave me very early in the year.

What I have noticed is that God speaks to me through Bible verses; sometimes I have to Google to find said verses. As in, I’ll google phrases to see if they’re indeed from the Bible, and each and every time  they have been.

God speaks in a way  you can understand. Some people see pictures, others hear an audible voice (I’m told)…there are as many ways to hear from God as there are people on earth, but I firmly believe two things:

  1. God will always speak to you in a way that makes sense to  you 
  2. He will never contradict His Word.

This (below) is what God said to me back in January, a word I forgot until I was almost at breaking point. I went into my archives and retrieved it, and I am standing upon it. I am filled with the certainty of hoping in God, for He will not say it if He will not do it. Knowing that He will do it is comforting, and faith-building, because I  know that my God is faithful unto the last day. Amen.


He is making a way in the wilderness and watering the dry places….ngiyokwesabani na ngoba uMalusi wami nguNkulunkulu? What shall I fear when God Himself is a shield about me and my shepherd? 

Stand upon the promises of God, and when you have done all, stand.

More on Hiding in God

A few months ago I wrote about what hiding in God looks like for me. You can read that post here (opens in new window). Last year I made a decision to be celibate and it has been an interesting journey. I choose to be celibate not because I don’t enjoy sex -anyone who knows my thoughts on the subject knows that that’s not the reason- but because I realised that of all the sex I’ve had, the best sex was when I was in love with someone who loved me. The best sex is love-making, and I choose to wait for that – wanna know why? Because I’m a daughter of the King and I deserve the best. If it means never being in a man’s arms again then so be it…and that’s where hiding in God comes in.

When I wrote on the subject the first time  I spoke mostly about my feelings and how I needed God to be between me and whatever madness I might get into because of said feelings. I’m grown enough now to admit that a lot of the foolishness in my past was because I let feelings rule, and I needed that to change. On my own change was not only difficult but frankly, it was impossible. I always found myself in the same situation: falling for guy, trying to fit him into a box I could take before God, while going ahead with the relationship without ever waiting to hear what God had to say about the matter. Inevitably things would fall apart (houses built on sand and all that) and I would run back to the Father crying why me God, why me? The last time I had my heart broken I said no more to that foolishness and let me tell you, it has been quite the ride.

What I want to talk about today is what hiding in God really looks like, and share my experience of it. I want to do this because as a single woman over the age of 30, celibacy is not as easy as it was when I was a 20 year old virgin, and I know I’m not the only one struggling with questions of managing sexuality. There is not much out there on what being pure means when you KNOW what you’re missing, when your hormones drive you up walls with the regularity of clockwork. Y’all know what I’m talking about. You say no sex and your body goes – nawl, I want me some man.

Like everybody else with a menstrual cycle and no man, I can testify that ovulation is a bitch. Yes, I said it. Those few days after my period are the worst because my body demands sexual touch with a ferocity I can’t even explain. When I was younger and didn’t know my body I thought I had a high sex-drive and used that as an excuse for my shenanigans. Now that I’m older I’ve learnt that it’s not so much that I have a high sex drive as it is that my body is fearfully and wonderfully made. It’s not so much a problem I need to solve, as it is proof of God’s gifts to me. You guys, sex is a beautiful thing. There’s a reason why the world has cheapened sex with porn -the power that comes from an understanding of the sacredness of sex in a world that celebrates profanity is immense, and I praise God and thank Him for His lavish love. That being so I desire to experience God’s idea of sex, because I’ve tried what’s out there and fam, it’s not lit. The dating scene is rough, f*boys abound. My heart has been smashed so many times I’m a walking wonder. I should be rocking myself in a corner somewhere but here I am, living, breathing, and preparing myself for love, and for divine sex. My understanding of sex is of its power, and I know that that power is best accessed through love. So for me, sex in the absence of love isn’t worth the trouble and the effort. Have you seen yourself getting ready for a ‘date’? Here’s the sexy getting ready song, tell me it’s a lie.

I mean, it’s exhausting just thinking about it, and all for what? For 5seconds of pleasure and heartbreak? If love isn’t the binding factor, then what’s the point? Nah, I’m good. 

Here’s how I look at it: those feelings every cycle are a promise that the man who can satisfy that desire is coming. God is not so cruel as to give me a desire and never satisfy it. In all things I want to submit to God’s will and in this matter I am convinced that the time is not yet. I rest in the peace that His will shall be done. Do I panic and analyse every word of every text ad infinitum? Duh, over-thinking is my super power but now I can confront my fears with the promises of God, and rest in Him knowing that all things work together for my good, and that His plans for me are love in abundance. There is much I must learn before I am ready to be a wife to a godly man, and I have work to do to ready myself to be the kind of wife I want to be to the kind of man I want to live with. I know who I want to be, and each day I work towards being the best me I can be. To be honest, my reasons are purely selfish. You see, I don’t want just any man, I want a man who is perfect, on whom I dont have to do any work because like me, he is busy right now preparing himself to be the kind of husband I want and need. I’m too old and tired to still be looking for potential. If I want a perfect man, then it only makes sense that I myself should be perfect. No such thing is perfect, you say? That’s where you’re wrong. I know that nobody is perfect, but I also know that there is a man out there that God will bring me to, and that man will be perfect for me.  In this season I thank God for two things: assuring me that the desire of my heart will be met, and giving me time to prepare myself and my heart for that desire to be met.

~~~
I choose to give my love-life to God, I choose to submit that part of my life to His will and while it has not been easy, it has been worth it. A lot of the poor decisions in my past stemmed from my reluctance to be alone and fear that I would be alone if I didn’t conform to what was ‘expected’. How can you call yourself someone’s girlfriend if you’re not having sex with them? How can you be an adult and not have sex? You’re not a child anymore (the implication being that desiring purity is childish). You have needs, it is your right to satisfy them. These are all things that I said to myself, said to other people, and that other people said to me. That fear led to a lot of pain and real heartbreak, and I never want to be there again. That, more than anything else is why I choose to hide my desires in God. The truth is I’m a coward. I’m terrified of getting hurt again. I know that that kind of fear can destroy a relationship, and so I’m glad that I have time to heal, to let God work on me before trying to make a relationship work. That is why when I am confronted by tempting creatures such as the Giver of Magical Hugs I am quick to cry out to God in prayer, because I know that on my own I am incapable of resisting desire such as that man arouses in me. I cry out to God because I have a destiny and I refuse to let my body be the reason I fail to fulfill my potential. Also, I refuse to be the reason why someone else falls; I refuse to be a stumbling block. 

Is it easy to be celibate? Well in a word, no. And some days are more challenging than others. No it’s not easy, this is why it cannot be done until you bring it to the foot of the Cross and say here I am Lord, lustful nature and all. Do you think there is anything in you beyond God’s reach? Living in truth in this area is accepting that the flesh is weak and determining not to be conquered by it. We cannot fight what we cannot confront, and we cannot confront what we have not accepted. I accept that my body is weak and because His strength is made perfect in my weakness, I bring my desires before God so that through the power that is the Holy Spirit I can confront and conquer. After all, God gave me the gift of sexuality and who better to help me manage it? If your entire life is not submitted to Christ, why are you surprised when you fall, when you don’t grow?

Am I saying I never fall, never stumble, never suffer the burn? No. I am saying that I get up every day and carry my cross, that in my struggles I have met Christ and through Him I am more than a conqueror. It is difficult, it is hard, but heartbreak is harder still. I’ve picked my struggle and I choose to put everything I am before God, I choose to hide in God because I never want to experience heartbreak ever again. I’m saying, I’ve tried it my way and failed, and now I’m surrendering. #mina_surrend. The man who will satisfy the desires of my flesh will meet me in the presence of He who satisfies the desires of my soul because that’s where I’ll be, hiding in God because I know that His will for me is perfect and pleasing; because I’m scared of being hurt again, and because I choose holy sex.

People have said it is impossible to be celibate and I agree, yes it is absolutely impossible but through Christ nothing is impossible, and because of Him all things work together for my good. I believe that. Do you? 

Why You Need To Stop Talking So Damn Much

○Don’t let your tongue be the reason you never get to live your best life. 

○The negative energy of the people closest to you can capsize your dreams.

 ○Don’t make yourself vulnerable by talking too much too soon, to the wrong people.

When you’re an oversharer you have to maintain a higher degree of vigilance over shared confidences than someone who is naturally more guarded, discreet. You may find it easy to unwittingly sabotage your plans by talking too much, too soon. 

That is what happened to Joseph. Have you ever thought about what would have happened if he hadn’t told his brothers his dreams? Just like Joseph your destiny is yours, but it’s not guaranteed: you have to do the work -whatever that is for you. Your success will not be given to you, you’ll have to pay the price. Don’t get me wrong: God’s blessing is perfect and it brings no sorrow with it, you just have to climb the mountain and plumb the depth to reach it. Such is life. 

Don’t make things difficult for yourself by talking too much to the wrong people. 

My Hair Has A Name and Other Things

Every cell in my body is crying in exhaustion. But do you know what I did? I washed my hair. Inbetween all of the things and a pharmacy run because u16s can’t buy cough mixture…I washed my hair. Deep conditioned, even. On a shitty day, my hair made me happy. She behaved. I think of her as a cantankerous middle-aged woman: great fun when she’s happy, stroppy and ill-behaved when she’s not. Nobody knows what makes her happy, and what made her happy today will not necessarily make her happy tomorrow. Beulah is notoriously difficult to please, but mostimes cute with it. She’s your favourite aunt, the naughty one that the adults clutch their pearls over  . 

Anyway, today Beulah was well-behaved. Maybe she’s like a man who treats you right only when he’s got competition. When you’re focused on him he’s difficult to reach and inattentive when you do get hold of him. The minute you get busy with your life or bring another man into the rotation (calm down, it’s called dating and it only involves sex if you’re doing it wrong – trust me, I know), and suddenly he’s blowing up your phone with date suggestions. Today of all days, today when I shouldn’t have been washing my hair because housework never ends and sick babies won’t sit down and colour, today I had a great washday; Beulah got some ack’wright and made me happy. 

Today Beulah was well-behaved. Today the dentangling detangled and the aloe vera juice did its job. The olive oil was a fail as usual (what can I say, I live in hope) but I can’t wait to undo the plaits and braid for the week. 😍

I also took a few minutes to drink in the sun . It was so lovely to do that. Such a blessing to be able to step outside and stand in the sun. The weather changed later in the day making the memory of those moments all the sweeter. It was a difficult day, but it was also filled with moments of incredible beauty. Running my hands through my hair as I rinsed out the conditioner. Sitting outside to plait it, remembering the times my mother did my hair (and attempting to recapture the memory while making sure the baby didn’t eat the haircream I was using and simultaneously swiping through pics on my phone to keep her entertained). Standing in the sun and loving it (before putting in a new load of laundry and hanging the just-washed one). In the backyard hanging the washing, wondering if this weekend  I’ll have time and energy to iron anything other than uniforms, not to mention that I need to make sure I have a minimum of 6 ready-to-wear outfits for the week: dresses, because who has time to look for TWO items of clothing, minimum, every day?! I thank God that in His wisdom He led me to giving up pants. Small mercies, hey? 

In amongst the chaos and the frenzy and the mothering, there was my son, generally being helpful, doing things like straightening the lounge and packing away the washed dishes (and needing to be fed). There was Beulah, treating me right, and there was the sun, giving me life. Yes, it was a difficult day and I’m glad it’s over, but I’m thankful for the beauty in it, for the reminders of grace. #scandalousgrace #countyourblessings 

What beautiful thing are you thankful for today?