An Encounter with The Divine

I posted something on fb the other day, and a friend inboxed to say I spoke right into her life. My God, I love her so much for that. For me, her words were an answer to a prayer I’ve had for a while: God, are you there? Do you care? From my early 20s I’ve known that my ministry lies in words, I’ve just always felt that I don’t have anything to say. Well, I’m in my 30s now, and I have things to say. I have lived, and I want to share my world because perhaps if more people had been authentic, and maybe if I’d recognised the danger signs through hearing others’ experiences, I might have avoided a lot of the pain I’ve lived through. Not to say listen to me, I know better, but simply and among other things: this is one outcome of a multitude of outcomes, and this is how it came about. Look at my life and see the paths that got me here. My sisters both biological and non-biological know that I often “joke” about having made all the mistakes so they don’t have to.

The truth is, I’m tired of the dance, of dressing up to go and do things I don’t enjoy with people I don’t like, just to measure up to some standard that really adds no value to my life. Kunceda ngani ukwaziwa njengomuntu o’so, yet ukuba njalo is bringing you stress? Keeping up with the Joneses, much? Guys, no. I’m tired, angisancengi. THIS IS ADULTING 3.O and I’m determined to graduate egregia cum laude. 

But people matter. Although it sounds like I’m saying fuck people, that’s not it at all. I’m saying I want to be real around my people, why is that too much to ask? For a living I will tolerate plastic smiles, but I don’t want to do that at home, too. The dream is to not have to do it at all. 

With my family and with my friends I want to be free to be myself. The same on fb, Tumblr, and everywhere else that I have an online presence. Nobody is just one thing, and I am no exception. Remember that when you come across my digital footprint elsewhere. I want all my parts to have freedom of expression, I don’t want to stifle myself 100% of the time; that is no way to live. 

So when I asked God, where are you in all this? -in all honesty I expected, well, nothing. I thought I’d have to fast and pray for an answer. When that friend inboxed me she probably didn’t know that she was letting God use her to answer my prayer. And the answer was, in a paraphrased nutshell, keep it real; use your words. 

By that I understand that it is my words that will lead me to truth, in a myriad of ways. Through asking questions and sifting through the answers, through sharing my worlds, all of them, and experiencing authentic relationship, and in all things seeking the good and the pure, rising higher in ways that matter…this way I will understand God. And isn’t the divine the point of life? Surely you can’t be alive just to be a consumer?!

That my words touched her is amazing to me. That I was allowed to know, from her, that my words touched her is almost more than I can comprehend. Scandalous, outrageous Grace. My God. Thank you, friend. And thank you God. My God!
P.S. moral of the story? Say what you have to say.  Let God use you.

Did I Hear The Voice of God?

What happens when you seek God? I mean, when you really seek His face? When you come before Him naked as you are and say God, this is me.

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The sad thing is, people never believe that they are lovable as they are, and that’s what makes everything so hard. Sometimes, people just aren’t ready to be loved. No matter how hard you try if someone’s not ready, they’re not ready.

We are like that with God. We say God, you’re in control of everything, except that little thing. God, you understand, right? I cant just let you do everything; surely I should keep putting in effort, doing something, you know, helping things along?

It might have gone differently for you, but God and I had that conversation. His answer was – But what if you did?

Say what? What if I did what?

And the answer came -What if you let me have total control of that?

Well.

I cast the thought away, relegating it to the realm of insanity. God wouldn’t say anything remotely like that. Would He?

And yet, it kept nagging me. I’d be in the shower and I’d find myself wondering what surrendering control in that area would look like. What would it mean? What I would be doing?

The questions would not stop.

Over and over I asked myself – have I ever really surrendered my love-life to God? Ever? To be honest, I can’t say that I have. Oh I’ve said the words, what self-respecting Christian girl hasn’t?- But have I ever actually matched the deed to the word?

Have you?

I have never felt freer in my life. It’s a difficult thing to explain. And yes, there is a bit of -if this is a monumental disaster of epic proportions at least I can say God did it. hehe.

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The best thing about freedom? Living without guilt. Grace. My God. Wonderful outrageous scandalous Grace.