A few months ago I wrote about what hiding in God looks like for me. You can read that post here (opens in new window). Last year I made a decision to be celibate and it has been an interesting journey. I choose to be celibate not because I don’t enjoy sex -anyone who knows my thoughts on the subject knows that that’s not the reason- but because I realised that of all the sex I’ve had, the best sex was when I was in love with someone who loved me. The best sex is love-making, and I choose to wait for that – wanna know why? Because I’m a daughter of the King and I deserve the best. If it means never being in a man’s arms again then so be it…and that’s where hiding in God comes in.
When I wrote on the subject the first time I spoke mostly about my feelings and how I needed God to be between me and whatever madness I might get into because of said feelings. I’m grown enough now to admit that a lot of the foolishness in my past was because I let feelings rule, and I needed that to change. On my own change was not only difficult but frankly, it was impossible. I always found myself in the same situation: falling for guy, trying to fit him into a box I could take before God, while going ahead with the relationship without ever waiting to hear what God had to say about the matter. Inevitably things would fall apart (houses built on sand and all that) and I would run back to the Father crying why me God, why me? The last time I had my heart broken I said no more to that foolishness and let me tell you, it has been quite the ride.
What I want to talk about today is what hiding in God really looks like, and share my experience of it. I want to do this because as a single woman over the age of 30, celibacy is not as easy as it was when I was a 20 year old virgin, and I know I’m not the only one struggling with questions of managing sexuality. There is not much out there on what being pure means when you KNOW what you’re missing, when your hormones drive you up walls with the regularity of clockwork. Y’all know what I’m talking about. You say no sex and your body goes – nawl, I want me some man.
Like everybody else with a menstrual cycle and no man, I can testify that ovulation is a bitch. Yes, I said it. Those few days after my period are the worst because my body demands sexual touch with a ferocity I can’t even explain. When I was younger and didn’t know my body I thought I had a high sex-drive and used that as an excuse for my shenanigans. Now that I’m older I’ve learnt that it’s not so much that I have a high sex drive as it is that my body is fearfully and wonderfully made. It’s not so much a problem I need to solve, as it is proof of God’s gifts to me. You guys, sex is a beautiful thing. There’s a reason why the world has cheapened sex with porn -the power that comes from an understanding of the sacredness of sex in a world that celebrates profanity is immense, and I praise God and thank Him for His lavish love. That being so I desire to experience God’s idea of sex, because I’ve tried what’s out there and fam, it’s not lit. The dating scene is rough, f*boys abound. My heart has been smashed so many times I’m a walking wonder. I should be rocking myself in a corner somewhere but here I am, living, breathing, and preparing myself for love, and for divine sex. My understanding of sex is of its power, and I know that that power is best accessed through love. So for me, sex in the absence of love isn’t worth the trouble and the effort. Have you seen yourself getting ready for a ‘date’? Here’s the sexy getting ready song, tell me it’s a lie.
I mean, it’s exhausting just thinking about it, and all for what? For 5seconds of pleasure and heartbreak? If love isn’t the binding factor, then what’s the point? Nah, I’m good.
Here’s how I look at it: those feelings every cycle are a promise that the man who can satisfy that desire is coming. God is not so cruel as to give me a desire and never satisfy it. In all things I want to submit to God’s will and in this matter I am convinced that the time is not yet. I rest in the peace that His will shall be done. Do I panic and analyse every word of every text ad infinitum? Duh, over-thinking is my super power but now I can confront my fears with the promises of God, and rest in Him knowing that all things work together for my good, and that His plans for me are love in abundance. There is much I must learn before I am ready to be a wife to a godly man, and I have work to do to ready myself to be the kind of wife I want to be to the kind of man I want to live with. I know who I want to be, and each day I work towards being the best me I can be. To be honest, my reasons are purely selfish. You see, I don’t want just any man, I want a man who is perfect, on whom I dont have to do any work because like me, he is busy right now preparing himself to be the kind of husband I want and need. I’m too old and tired to still be looking for potential. If I want a perfect man, then it only makes sense that I myself should be perfect. No such thing is perfect, you say? That’s where you’re wrong. I know that nobody is perfect, but I also know that there is a man out there that God will bring me to, and that man will be perfect for me. In this season I thank God for two things: assuring me that the desire of my heart will be met, and giving me time to prepare myself and my heart for that desire to be met.
I choose to give my love-life to God, I choose to submit that part of my life to His will and while it has not been easy, it has been worth it. A lot of the poor decisions in my past stemmed from my reluctance to be alone and fear that I would be alone if I didn’t conform to what was ‘expected’. How can you call yourself someone’s girlfriend if you’re not having sex with them? How can you be an adult and not have sex? You’re not a child anymore (the implication being that desiring purity is childish). You have needs, it is your right to satisfy them. These are all things that I said to myself, said to other people, and that other people said to me. That fear led to a lot of pain and real heartbreak, and I never want to be there again. That, more than anything else is why I choose to hide my desires in God. The truth is I’m a coward. I’m terrified of getting hurt again. I know that that kind of fear can destroy a relationship, and so I’m glad that I have time to heal, to let God work on me before trying to make a relationship work. That is why when I am confronted by tempting creatures such as the Giver of Magical Hugs I am quick to cry out to God in prayer, because I know that on my own I am incapable of resisting desire such as that man arouses in me. I cry out to God because I have a destiny and I refuse to let my body be the reason I fail to fulfill my potential. Also, I refuse to be the reason why someone else falls; I refuse to be a stumbling block.
Is it easy to be celibate? Well in a word, no. And some days are more challenging than others. No it’s not easy, this is why it cannot be done until you bring it to the foot of the Cross and say here I am Lord, lustful nature and all. Do you think there is anything in you beyond God’s reach? Living in truth in this area is accepting that the flesh is weak and determining not to be conquered by it. We cannot fight what we cannot confront, and we cannot confront what we have not accepted. I accept that my body is weak and because His strength is made perfect in my weakness, I bring my desires before God so that through the power that is the Holy Spirit I can confront and conquer. After all, God gave me the gift of sexuality and who better to help me manage it? If your entire life is not submitted to Christ, why are you surprised when you fall, when you don’t grow?
Am I saying I never fall, never stumble, never suffer the burn? No. I am saying that I get up every day and carry my cross, that in my struggles I have met Christ and through Him I am more than a conqueror. It is difficult, it is hard, but heartbreak is harder still. I’ve picked my struggle and I choose to put everything I am before God, I choose to hide in God because I never want to experience heartbreak ever again. I’m saying, I’ve tried it my way and failed, and now I’m surrendering. #mina_surrend. The man who will satisfy the desires of my flesh will meet me in the presence of He who satisfies the desires of my soul because that’s where I’ll be, hiding in God because I know that His will for me is perfect and pleasing; because I’m scared of being hurt again, and because I choose holy sex.
People have said it is impossible to be celibate and I agree, yes it is absolutely impossible but through Christ nothing is impossible, and because of Him all things work together for my good. I believe that. Do you?